email to Jobcentre Plus via Government Equalities Office
Dear People
I received a telephone call from Jobcentre Plus today: I tried to email them, but, my are they shy about giving email addresses for complaints about themselves! It might have been the "local office" that phoned me, but they don't give email addresses either, and I'm too wound up to want to phone anyone, even if I get the right office and even if someone picks up the call eventually.
I did email the first "Jobcentre Plus" that came up in Google, but it turned out to be a different company; the directgov site gives zero information about how to complain about any part of itself.
So here's what I wanted to say to them:
******
I’ve just had a phone call from Jobcentre Plus –
She: We sent you a form on October 4th and haven’t had it back yet.
Me: If it came in small print, I would have sent it back with a covering letter saying that I’m visually impaired and need large print: I always do.
[I checked my correspondence log after this call: it did arrive and I did send it back, using the SAE provided – I don’t know who’s got it, but they don’t seem to have passed it on.]
She: We need your pension details; the provider, and the amount.
Me: The provider is the London Borough of Tower Hamlets; the amount I don’t know cos they use small print too.
She: I'll send you out another form
Me: If it’s in small print I won’t be able to read it; that’s why I sent the first one back.
She: We can’t do large print. Isn’t there someone who can help you fill it in?
Me: No. I live alone and have no friends or family
[not true, but I certainly have none within calling distance. Besides I object to other people knowing private details of my personal life]
She: All you have to do is fill in the details.
Me: But how can I fill in the details when I can’t see the form?
She: You can put them on a piece of paper but you have to sign the form on the back.
I gave up at that point. How am I going to know what details are wanted if I can’t read the sodding form?
“We can’t do large print” in the 21st century? “Can’t be bothered”, more like.
I don’t know how many people work for Jobcentre Plus (I did try a Google, no luck), but as it covers all of the country, I’d imagine there to be several thousand employees.
None of those several thousand people seem to have heard of the Disability Discrimination Act, which has only been law for about ten years.
Even though visual impairment is the fastest-growing disability, none of those several thousand people has apparently ever thought that they just might be able to do something to meet the needs of those disabled people – and conform to the law.
Especially as the DDA says that organisations “must make reasonable adjustments” to enable the disabled to interact on a more equal footing (or less unequal, at least) – and putting a letter or form into large print is hardly unreasonable.
Whoever’s reading this: how would you feel if you had to let your relatives, friends, or the bloke next door know personal details about yourself? Just so that a national government agency can protect its staff from the arduous effort of having to think?
I don’t buy “we can’t do large print”. I’m sure you’d find that you could – if anyone ever bothered to try.
If it’s any consolation, you’re not alone: it took five years and an official complaint to get the Rent section of my council to get past “we can’t do large print”. Odd how quickly they found that they could do it once the complaint hit their desks.
To tell the visually impaired that they must have their personal and private correspondence read to them, as if they were children, that they must let others, even family (sometimes, especially family!) know the intimate details of their personal life, is humiliating, degrading, soul-destroying ... and most of all, completely unnecessary as well as completely illegal.
Any letter, form, booklet or other communication that you send me in small print is going to be sent right back to you. One day maybe your people might just get the message.
I’m fed up with having to grovel for even reluctant semi-decent treatment. I’m sick of having to beg cap-in-hand for even a semblance of normal human understanding and a willingness to bend even a micron to meet the needs of the visually-impaired.
If Jobcentre Plus really is completely incapable of transforming documents, forms, etc, into large print, then please say so in writing, clearly and unequivocally. My legal friend will know what to do. If such an admission is not forthcoming, I shall assume that Jobcentre Plus can do large print, but simply chooses not to – and my legal friend will know what to do with that, too.
If I sound fed up and stroppy, guess what? I am. I’ve been fighting this battle since 1992, when my vision first failed: I’m so tired of having to beg ever-so-‘umbly to be treated just as if I were a real person.
While I'm writing to you ... I am medically retired from work because of an inoperable injury to my lower spine: I am officially unfit for work. So why does Jobcentre Plus keep harassing me? (Granted, you stopped sending me "let's get you back to work" booklets [in small print] after I wrote asking you to take me off your disabled-hate-mail mailing list, and explaining why) - but I am officially incapable of work, so what does Jobcentre Plus have to do with me now? Or I with it?
[my name] [Ms]
*****
You can see why I didn’t want to say this over the phone! Apart from anything else, it wouldn't have been fair on whoever just happened to pick up the call - not their fault.
****
from Jobcentre Plus website:
When you contact Jobcentre Plus, you can expect to:
be treated with respect
be given the right information
be dealt with on time
access services easily [irony, I presume]
[my name] [Ms]
PS: you might get your webmaster to relabel the home page of your site. Saving it to favourites as "Home Page" is hardly informative: whose home page? and there's "do you want to overwrite" all the other "Home Page"s from all the other professional [sic] websites that do this?
About Me
- Frances will do
- London, England, United Kingdom
- I'm severely visually impaired [so be gentle with my typos!] and have an inoperable injury to my lower spine: apart from that, I'm as miserable as the next person! That's not my real star-sign on my profile, but my dad died on my birthday in 2001, so I now share his
Monday 18 October 2010
Sunday 26 September 2010
Write from the Heart
One of the best, and possibly the safest, ways of letting off steam when something up-sets you is to write about it. You can say absolutely what you want, get rid of your ten-sions, pour your feelings onto paper (and then you can tear it up and throw it away so nobody will ever know what you wrote, if that worries you).
Creative writing is a useful safety-valve, having a definite therapeutic effect, but few peo-ple seem to take advantage of it. Everybody can write; some can do it better than oth-ers, but everybody can do it to some extent. And, like everything else, most of it is prac-tice: the more you do, the better you become.
If you’ve never done any creative writing (or not since you left school), you may not know how to start. On the back of this sheet, I’ve made a couple of lists. Have a look; do any of these things ring bells in you? Do you find meaning in any of them? Then write about it! Write what you feel, what it reminds you of, what you wish you could have done about it at the time, what you’d like to do about it now.
If none of them rings any particular bell, then just pick one at random and write whatever you like about it; what does that word, or that line, conjure up to you? What words and feelings do you associate with it? The human mind is very good at laying down smoke-screens and hiding behind them, blocking anything that might be ‘too risky’ to let out. Pick words at random, write about them, and see what happens. If nothing else, you’ll be writing!
Remember:
The only rule in creative writing is that there aren’t any rules. It’s not like cooking, for in-stance, where the right ingredients have to be put into the mixture in the right order and in the right proportions, where a set sequence has to be followed to obtain the desired result. In creative writing, whatever works for you is valid. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way – only ways that work for you or that don’t; or ways that work better than others.
Be gentle with yourself. Don’t dismiss anything you write as ‘rubbish’; don’t compare yourself with ‘better’ writers. It’s amazing how skill comes with practice – and you’ve got the skill. Everybody has. But most people aren’t given the chance to find out that they’ve got it.
Find your own voice. Write in whatever style seems best for you; use the words and styles that you feel comfortable with. Develop your own unique way of expressing your-self; again, practice will make, if not perfect, then better. (Some how-to-write books say that you should begin by copying the styles of other writers, but I’m not too sure about that – why be a tribute band, playing other people’s music, when you’ve got your own music to play? You want to be the first you, not the second somebody else!)
Write for yourself, to please yourself. So you may not be very good at first. Who is? Most of us can cook – but that doesn’t mean you can whip up a 12-course meal for 500 people the first time you enter a kitchen! Start with egg and chips, and work your way up from there – if you feel the need. (Personally, I’d rather eat egg and chips than some fancy meal covered with gunge!)
Don’t pre-judge, or censor yourself. Write exactly what you’re feeling, in your own words. And don’t worry! Nobody’s looking over your shoulder. Nobody’s judging you. Write for yourself. You might feel self-conscious about it at first (everybody does), but stick with it. You’ll probably surprise yourself, if you give yourself the chance.
You might be a little taken aback by the strength of some of your reactions at first. Feel-ings that have been long repressed will come out strongly; this may be the first time they’ve seen daylight for years! If this happens to you, don’t worry; you’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that you have unresolved conflicts. After all, you can’t solve a problem until you admit that the problem exists. Once it’s out in the open, it can be dealt with, and then you can move on. It may be painful, but it really is better out than in. You won’t hurt yourself; you’ll only become stronger - it’s keeping the feelings repressed that causes harm.
Do any of these mean anything special to you? Then write it out!
Ambition - Anger - Back-stabbing - Being controlled - Being ignored - Being laughed at - Being lied to - Broken dreams - Broken promises - Bullying - Childhood - Confidence - Counting your blessings - Depression - Dignity - Disappointment - Discipline - Drink - Family - Family expectations - Father - Fear - Forgiveness - Freedom - Friends - Friendship - Gossip - Gratitude - Guilt - Happiness - Hate - Hope - Innocence - Interference - Jealousy - Loneliness - Lost opportunities - Love - Manipulation - Misuse of authority - Money [or lack of] - Mother - Neighbours - Not being val-ued - Obedience - Obsession - Parting - Power over others - Pride - Quality of life - Relaxing - Resentment - Respect - Sacri-fice - Sadness - Secrets - Self-respect - Sex - Solitude - Stereotyping – Gender, racial, etc - Stress - Taking credit for someone else’ s work - Talking over your problems - Telling lies - The boss - Un-wanted advice - Work colleagues
************
A friend in need - Act your age! - Anything for a quiet life - Be grateful for small mercies - Be grateful for whatever you’re given - Beauty is only skin deep - Blood is thicker than water - Cheats never prosper - Cheer up, it could al-ways be worse - Don’t do as I do, do as I say - Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth - For better or for worse - Heaven helps those who help themselves - Honour thy father and thy mother - If I had the money, I’d— -
If I was you, I’d . . . - If only I hadn’t said that! - If you loved me you’d prove it - It takes one to know one - Just you wait till I get you home! - Men should be . . . - Mother knows best - Nobody really understands me - One rule for ‘them’, another for ‘us’ - Only babies cry - Pull yourself together! - Spare the rod and spoil the child - The past is dead – isn’t it? - Thou shalt not be found out - When I was your age, I . . . - Why can’t I . . .? - Because I say so! - Why can’t people mind their own business? - Why don’t you ever listen to me? - Why won’t they take me seriously? - Women should be . . . - You don’t know when you’re well-off - You think you’ve got problems! - You’ll un-derstand when you grow up - You’re not going out looking like that!
Creative writing is a useful safety-valve, having a definite therapeutic effect, but few peo-ple seem to take advantage of it. Everybody can write; some can do it better than oth-ers, but everybody can do it to some extent. And, like everything else, most of it is prac-tice: the more you do, the better you become.
If you’ve never done any creative writing (or not since you left school), you may not know how to start. On the back of this sheet, I’ve made a couple of lists. Have a look; do any of these things ring bells in you? Do you find meaning in any of them? Then write about it! Write what you feel, what it reminds you of, what you wish you could have done about it at the time, what you’d like to do about it now.
If none of them rings any particular bell, then just pick one at random and write whatever you like about it; what does that word, or that line, conjure up to you? What words and feelings do you associate with it? The human mind is very good at laying down smoke-screens and hiding behind them, blocking anything that might be ‘too risky’ to let out. Pick words at random, write about them, and see what happens. If nothing else, you’ll be writing!
Remember:
The only rule in creative writing is that there aren’t any rules. It’s not like cooking, for in-stance, where the right ingredients have to be put into the mixture in the right order and in the right proportions, where a set sequence has to be followed to obtain the desired result. In creative writing, whatever works for you is valid. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way – only ways that work for you or that don’t; or ways that work better than others.
Be gentle with yourself. Don’t dismiss anything you write as ‘rubbish’; don’t compare yourself with ‘better’ writers. It’s amazing how skill comes with practice – and you’ve got the skill. Everybody has. But most people aren’t given the chance to find out that they’ve got it.
Find your own voice. Write in whatever style seems best for you; use the words and styles that you feel comfortable with. Develop your own unique way of expressing your-self; again, practice will make, if not perfect, then better. (Some how-to-write books say that you should begin by copying the styles of other writers, but I’m not too sure about that – why be a tribute band, playing other people’s music, when you’ve got your own music to play? You want to be the first you, not the second somebody else!)
Write for yourself, to please yourself. So you may not be very good at first. Who is? Most of us can cook – but that doesn’t mean you can whip up a 12-course meal for 500 people the first time you enter a kitchen! Start with egg and chips, and work your way up from there – if you feel the need. (Personally, I’d rather eat egg and chips than some fancy meal covered with gunge!)
Don’t pre-judge, or censor yourself. Write exactly what you’re feeling, in your own words. And don’t worry! Nobody’s looking over your shoulder. Nobody’s judging you. Write for yourself. You might feel self-conscious about it at first (everybody does), but stick with it. You’ll probably surprise yourself, if you give yourself the chance.
You might be a little taken aback by the strength of some of your reactions at first. Feel-ings that have been long repressed will come out strongly; this may be the first time they’ve seen daylight for years! If this happens to you, don’t worry; you’ve taken the first step in acknowledging that you have unresolved conflicts. After all, you can’t solve a problem until you admit that the problem exists. Once it’s out in the open, it can be dealt with, and then you can move on. It may be painful, but it really is better out than in. You won’t hurt yourself; you’ll only become stronger - it’s keeping the feelings repressed that causes harm.
Do any of these mean anything special to you? Then write it out!
Ambition - Anger - Back-stabbing - Being controlled - Being ignored - Being laughed at - Being lied to - Broken dreams - Broken promises - Bullying - Childhood - Confidence - Counting your blessings - Depression - Dignity - Disappointment - Discipline - Drink - Family - Family expectations - Father - Fear - Forgiveness - Freedom - Friends - Friendship - Gossip - Gratitude - Guilt - Happiness - Hate - Hope - Innocence - Interference - Jealousy - Loneliness - Lost opportunities - Love - Manipulation - Misuse of authority - Money [or lack of] - Mother - Neighbours - Not being val-ued - Obedience - Obsession - Parting - Power over others - Pride - Quality of life - Relaxing - Resentment - Respect - Sacri-fice - Sadness - Secrets - Self-respect - Sex - Solitude - Stereotyping – Gender, racial, etc - Stress - Taking credit for someone else’ s work - Talking over your problems - Telling lies - The boss - Un-wanted advice - Work colleagues
************
A friend in need - Act your age! - Anything for a quiet life - Be grateful for small mercies - Be grateful for whatever you’re given - Beauty is only skin deep - Blood is thicker than water - Cheats never prosper - Cheer up, it could al-ways be worse - Don’t do as I do, do as I say - Don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth - For better or for worse - Heaven helps those who help themselves - Honour thy father and thy mother - If I had the money, I’d— -
If I was you, I’d . . . - If only I hadn’t said that! - If you loved me you’d prove it - It takes one to know one - Just you wait till I get you home! - Men should be . . . - Mother knows best - Nobody really understands me - One rule for ‘them’, another for ‘us’ - Only babies cry - Pull yourself together! - Spare the rod and spoil the child - The past is dead – isn’t it? - Thou shalt not be found out - When I was your age, I . . . - Why can’t I . . .? - Because I say so! - Why can’t people mind their own business? - Why don’t you ever listen to me? - Why won’t they take me seriously? - Women should be . . . - You don’t know when you’re well-off - You think you’ve got problems! - You’ll un-derstand when you grow up - You’re not going out looking like that!
Wednesday 5 May 2010
Songs that helped to save my life
I’ve suffered from depression for years. Some times are worse than others: at my very lowest I have seriously considered climbing out of the window of my 7th-floor flat.
Thankfully I’ve never (yet) gone that bare millimetre lower that would turn thought into action – there’s always been a tiny spark (so far) that tells me that that’s not the answer.
I’ve bought so many self-help books to try to get myself sorted, and they all basically say the same thing – you have to love yourself.
But, I thought, how can you love yourself when you don’t even like yourself very much?
Okay, I thought, let’s scale it down. Rather than try to climb Everest in one leap, let’s break it down into a more manageable series of smaller steps. Let’s start with making friends with myself and work upwards from there.
Then I suddenly thought of the Queen song “You’re my best friend”. That sounds a good start, I thought; after all, I should be my own best friend.
So every day, when I stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing my hair or cleaning my teeth, I looked myself in the eyes and ran that song through my mind (it might have been better if I’d been able to play the actual song, but I know it enough to be able to “replay” most of it).
And it started to work. I started to feel better about myself. I started to look at myself more kindly – psychologically as well as physically.
Then I thought of the Monkees song “Take a giant step outside your mind” and found that to be helpful, too. That was linked to another Monkees song “That was then, this is now”; the song itself isn’t really relevant, but the title is – and that was all I needed to reinforce the message of “Take a giant step”.
But the one that really rang the bell …
Years ago there was a Gene Kelly film on TV that I videoed – “It’s always fair weather”. The film as a whole was a bit naff, but I kept the vid because there’s an amazing sequence where he tap-dances on roller-skates, and I played that bit so much I almost wore the tape out. It was only much later that I started to pay attention to the song that went with the dance:.
Can it be I like myself?
She likes me so I like myself
If someone wonderful as she is
Can think I’m wonderful
I must be quite a guy
Feeling so unlike myself
Always used to dislike myself
But now my love has got me riding high
She likes me – so so do I
Those words really struck home:
If people like me, there must be something likeable about me? If people want to be with me, then I can’t be such a nebbish? If people want to be my friends, then I must have some qualities that they think worthy of being associated with?
I used that song a lot. I let it play in my mind, over and over and over. And while you can’t get away with singing in the street it’s got a very whistle-able tune.
And the more I did it, the deeper and stronger and more powerful it became. More than once, walking down the road with that song in my mind or that tune on my lips, I had to suddenly check myself as my foot almost touched the pavement because I knew that that foot would have gone down in a tappy-tap – and if I’d taken that step, what would the next one have been? I wasn’t quite confident enough to start trying to tap-dance in the street!
Queen helped a lot, and the Monkees added a bit to the foundations, but this is the song that did most to save my life.
That was years ago, and after a while, sadly, I forgot to keep these songs in mind and I slipped back to my former level of depression.
But yesterday, for no reason that I can remember, “I like myself” came back into my mind; I started to whistle it and immediately started feeling better. So now I need to remember to practice remembering the song – and who knows? one day I might not mind that I feel like tippy-tapping in the street!
I looked up the names of the songwriters (Betty Comden and Adolph Green); I did think of sending them a thank-you – them, or their families if it were too late to thank them personally. I never did, or at least I haven’t so far; I suppose I could contact the film studio and ask them to pass on a message, but they might just think that I was a nutter.
Anyway, it worked then – and I know that it will work just as well now that I’ve remembered to try again. It might not work for anyone else, but who knows? It might.
You might already own some of these songs, but if not they’re all on YouTube (I’ve not included “That was then” since I only used the title! but it’s there too):
Queen: You’re my best friend –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI (this video has the lyrics as well)
Monkees: Take a giant step
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDqYHNaesk
Gene Kelly: I like myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI
Thankfully I’ve never (yet) gone that bare millimetre lower that would turn thought into action – there’s always been a tiny spark (so far) that tells me that that’s not the answer.
I’ve bought so many self-help books to try to get myself sorted, and they all basically say the same thing – you have to love yourself.
But, I thought, how can you love yourself when you don’t even like yourself very much?
Okay, I thought, let’s scale it down. Rather than try to climb Everest in one leap, let’s break it down into a more manageable series of smaller steps. Let’s start with making friends with myself and work upwards from there.
Then I suddenly thought of the Queen song “You’re my best friend”. That sounds a good start, I thought; after all, I should be my own best friend.
So every day, when I stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing my hair or cleaning my teeth, I looked myself in the eyes and ran that song through my mind (it might have been better if I’d been able to play the actual song, but I know it enough to be able to “replay” most of it).
And it started to work. I started to feel better about myself. I started to look at myself more kindly – psychologically as well as physically.
Then I thought of the Monkees song “Take a giant step outside your mind” and found that to be helpful, too. That was linked to another Monkees song “That was then, this is now”; the song itself isn’t really relevant, but the title is – and that was all I needed to reinforce the message of “Take a giant step”.
But the one that really rang the bell …
Years ago there was a Gene Kelly film on TV that I videoed – “It’s always fair weather”. The film as a whole was a bit naff, but I kept the vid because there’s an amazing sequence where he tap-dances on roller-skates, and I played that bit so much I almost wore the tape out. It was only much later that I started to pay attention to the song that went with the dance:.
Can it be I like myself?
She likes me so I like myself
If someone wonderful as she is
Can think I’m wonderful
I must be quite a guy
Feeling so unlike myself
Always used to dislike myself
But now my love has got me riding high
She likes me – so so do I
Those words really struck home:
If people like me, there must be something likeable about me? If people want to be with me, then I can’t be such a nebbish? If people want to be my friends, then I must have some qualities that they think worthy of being associated with?
I used that song a lot. I let it play in my mind, over and over and over. And while you can’t get away with singing in the street it’s got a very whistle-able tune.
And the more I did it, the deeper and stronger and more powerful it became. More than once, walking down the road with that song in my mind or that tune on my lips, I had to suddenly check myself as my foot almost touched the pavement because I knew that that foot would have gone down in a tappy-tap – and if I’d taken that step, what would the next one have been? I wasn’t quite confident enough to start trying to tap-dance in the street!
Queen helped a lot, and the Monkees added a bit to the foundations, but this is the song that did most to save my life.
That was years ago, and after a while, sadly, I forgot to keep these songs in mind and I slipped back to my former level of depression.
But yesterday, for no reason that I can remember, “I like myself” came back into my mind; I started to whistle it and immediately started feeling better. So now I need to remember to practice remembering the song – and who knows? one day I might not mind that I feel like tippy-tapping in the street!
I looked up the names of the songwriters (Betty Comden and Adolph Green); I did think of sending them a thank-you – them, or their families if it were too late to thank them personally. I never did, or at least I haven’t so far; I suppose I could contact the film studio and ask them to pass on a message, but they might just think that I was a nutter.
Anyway, it worked then – and I know that it will work just as well now that I’ve remembered to try again. It might not work for anyone else, but who knows? It might.
You might already own some of these songs, but if not they’re all on YouTube (I’ve not included “That was then” since I only used the title! but it’s there too):
Queen: You’re my best friend –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI (this video has the lyrics as well)
Monkees: Take a giant step
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDqYHNaesk
Gene Kelly: I like myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI
Friday 23 April 2010
Video: Boat trip to Greenwich
This was created by a visually-impaired person for other visually-impaired people to watch, so the text is probably bigger and slower than you might be used to.
It was my first effort at using Microsoft Movie Maker, hence the reference to "frequent swearing" in the end credits! It's always so much fun to do something when you can't quite see well enough to make out the tiny elements you're supposed to be working with ...
Thursday 8 April 2010
A crip on my shoulder
I get really cheesed when I get official letters that tell me that this letter-form-information booklet-whatever is also available in large-print format.
Why should I get annoyed at knowing that there are accessible forms of this document that are mine for the asking?
Why should I get so irritated at government and council departments and other organisations finally realising that visually-impaired people have special needs, and taking steps to meet those needs?
Well, it’s very simple … how do you think they invariably tell me that I can have large print?
You guessed it … IN SMALL PRINT!
In the same size print as the rest of the letter, they tell me that I can have large print.
If I could read the small print to know that I had the option of having large print, I wouldn’t need to ask for large print; I’d be able to read the whole damn letter-form-whatever in the original format.
They might as well tell me – in Sanskrit or Egyptian hieroglyphics – that I can have the letter in English if I want.
If I can’t access the information to know that it’s also available in alternative format, how the hell am I supposed to know that I can ask for that alternative format?
I notice that, when they say that the letter-form-whatever is available in other languages, they always put a line in that language, presumably telling people in their own language that they can have the whole thing in that language if they need it.
But not the visually impaired! We’re only allowed to be given this information in a way that we can’t sodding well access.
Don’t people think? Don’t they realise that, if we can’t read small print, we can’t read the “you-can-have-this-in-large-print”?
Why don’t they put this line IN large print, and give us a sporting chance of actually being able to read it?
Why should I get annoyed at knowing that there are accessible forms of this document that are mine for the asking?
Why should I get so irritated at government and council departments and other organisations finally realising that visually-impaired people have special needs, and taking steps to meet those needs?
Well, it’s very simple … how do you think they invariably tell me that I can have large print?
You guessed it … IN SMALL PRINT!
In the same size print as the rest of the letter, they tell me that I can have large print.
If I could read the small print to know that I had the option of having large print, I wouldn’t need to ask for large print; I’d be able to read the whole damn letter-form-whatever in the original format.
They might as well tell me – in Sanskrit or Egyptian hieroglyphics – that I can have the letter in English if I want.
If I can’t access the information to know that it’s also available in alternative format, how the hell am I supposed to know that I can ask for that alternative format?
I notice that, when they say that the letter-form-whatever is available in other languages, they always put a line in that language, presumably telling people in their own language that they can have the whole thing in that language if they need it.
But not the visually impaired! We’re only allowed to be given this information in a way that we can’t sodding well access.
Don’t people think? Don’t they realise that, if we can’t read small print, we can’t read the “you-can-have-this-in-large-print”?
Why don’t they put this line IN large print, and give us a sporting chance of actually being able to read it?
Wednesday 7 April 2010
Penetrating insights
I’ve been pondering this subject for a while (mostly pondering how to state my case with the maximum of clarity and the minimum of basic Anglo-Saxon). Let’s see how near I’ve got …
In (nearly?) all sexual encounters between men and women, it’s the man who does the penetrating: even in kissing, the man is more likely to penetrate the woman’s mouth than she is his.
So it’s common for women to discover the limit that will initiate their inbuilt gag reflex, and correspondingly rare for men to discover theirs.
Not being penetrated as a general rule, men don’t know what it feels like, and so blithely continue to shove things into places that were never meant to receive such items, especially with such enthusiastic vigour.
So, blokes, here’s an idea: why don’t you try a few things on yourself, to find out what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what you give out?
Step 1: Get a piece of raw liver and cut it to tongue shape and size. Now shove it into your mouth, and then push the tip of it down your throat. Move it about as you move your tongue about in your lover’s mouth.
Step 2: Select the vegetable of your choice and whittle it into the approximate size and shape of your own favourite body-part. (You can over-estimate as much as you like here!)
Now try oral sex with that. How does it feel to you to have something that size pushing into your mouth and down your throat?
We all know the thing about "sticking your fingers down your throat to make you sick". Well, the effect is exactly the same with anything else stuck down your throat.
Step 3: Since quite a few men seem to have a thing about anal sex, the next step is obvious ...
Check out how it feels to you before you do it to other people. You might learn a few things that would make you a better and more considerate lover.
(In the interests of sexual equality, women could take another slice or liver and fold it into a “butterfly” and see how the man feels, too!)
In (nearly?) all sexual encounters between men and women, it’s the man who does the penetrating: even in kissing, the man is more likely to penetrate the woman’s mouth than she is his.
So it’s common for women to discover the limit that will initiate their inbuilt gag reflex, and correspondingly rare for men to discover theirs.
Not being penetrated as a general rule, men don’t know what it feels like, and so blithely continue to shove things into places that were never meant to receive such items, especially with such enthusiastic vigour.
So, blokes, here’s an idea: why don’t you try a few things on yourself, to find out what it’s like to be on the receiving end of what you give out?
Step 1: Get a piece of raw liver and cut it to tongue shape and size. Now shove it into your mouth, and then push the tip of it down your throat. Move it about as you move your tongue about in your lover’s mouth.
Step 2: Select the vegetable of your choice and whittle it into the approximate size and shape of your own favourite body-part. (You can over-estimate as much as you like here!)
Now try oral sex with that. How does it feel to you to have something that size pushing into your mouth and down your throat?
We all know the thing about "sticking your fingers down your throat to make you sick". Well, the effect is exactly the same with anything else stuck down your throat.
Step 3: Since quite a few men seem to have a thing about anal sex, the next step is obvious ...
Check out how it feels to you before you do it to other people. You might learn a few things that would make you a better and more considerate lover.
(In the interests of sexual equality, women could take another slice or liver and fold it into a “butterfly” and see how the man feels, too!)
Monday 5 April 2010
Wha'is the matter with clothes manufacturers these days?
I’ve been trying to find women’s long-sleeved shirts (cos I want a change from Primark men’s shirts!).
That’s all I want – plain, boring, long-sleeved women’s shirts that are long enough in the body so as not to come untucked when one bends forward (I thoroughly dislike that “air-gap” – are “ladies” supposed to do nothing except look pretty? They’re not meant to do anything that means they have to lean forward even a bit??)
I just found something (eventually!) on eBay (what’s the point of searching for “ladies’ long sleeved white shirts” when you get three pages of short-sleeved black t-shirts?) … so I looked at some of the shirts that were actually what I’d been looking for.
And then I noticed how they were sized. I quote:
size 8 - XS (30")
size 10 - S (32")
size 12 - M (34")
size 14 - L (36")
size 16 - XL (38")
and so on ….
I average around size 14 and I don’t feel particularly obese, thank you very much!
At least this is slightly better than a previous instance: I bought a basque for a fancy dress event: size 14. when it arrived, I tried it on and it fitted well.
Then I noticed the size label sewn into it … “XL”.
If I’d known that before I bought it, I wouldn’t have bought it, no matter how well it fitted – how dare some (probably male) git in an office somewhere arbitrarily decree that anyone my size is well on the way to obesity?
WTF are we coming to when a size 14 is considered “extra large”?
And you wonder why so many women and girls have bad body images when they’re as good as told that if they’re not matchsticks they’re barrage balloons?
You wonder why so many women and girls are anorexic or on the way to anorexia when we’re told that a female who is properly woman-shaped is “extra large”, implying the incipient onset of clinical obesity?
Why don’t manufactures just put the actual size on the garment and leave out “small-to-gigantic” labels, with all the attendant hang-ups that they cause?
They’re only generalisations, anyway – one manufacture’s “medium” is another’s “huge”, so they’re no more than very vague descriptions.
I’ve had “medium” t-shirts that were large enough to get a second person in as well, and “large” t-shirts that I had to get on with a shoe-horn.
They don’t actually tell one the real size of the garment unless one knows what the manufacturer consider small, medium or large – they’re comparatives, but we’re not given the comparison to let us work out what ruler the manufacture is measuring with.
Even clothing sizes are relative: the UK, Europe and US all have different size labels for the same physical size.
So why don’t they just put the actual chest size – 34”, 36”, or whatever. Inches are inches, so it won’t matter which country one lives in; if one uses the imperial measuring system, one will know if a garment will fit or not.
Of course, if they put both inches and centimetres on garments, then us Imperialists could gradually get to know our metric sizes too!
But let’s cut this “extra large” bollocks. We don’t need it! any more than we need the “size 0” at the other end of the scale – the one that we’re all supposed to aspire to if we want to be real women! Even if it kills us, and it probably will.
That’s all I want – plain, boring, long-sleeved women’s shirts that are long enough in the body so as not to come untucked when one bends forward (I thoroughly dislike that “air-gap” – are “ladies” supposed to do nothing except look pretty? They’re not meant to do anything that means they have to lean forward even a bit??)
I just found something (eventually!) on eBay (what’s the point of searching for “ladies’ long sleeved white shirts” when you get three pages of short-sleeved black t-shirts?) … so I looked at some of the shirts that were actually what I’d been looking for.
And then I noticed how they were sized. I quote:
size 8 - XS (30")
size 10 - S (32")
size 12 - M (34")
size 14 - L (36")
size 16 - XL (38")
and so on ….
I average around size 14 and I don’t feel particularly obese, thank you very much!
At least this is slightly better than a previous instance: I bought a basque for a fancy dress event: size 14. when it arrived, I tried it on and it fitted well.
Then I noticed the size label sewn into it … “XL”.
If I’d known that before I bought it, I wouldn’t have bought it, no matter how well it fitted – how dare some (probably male) git in an office somewhere arbitrarily decree that anyone my size is well on the way to obesity?
WTF are we coming to when a size 14 is considered “extra large”?
And you wonder why so many women and girls have bad body images when they’re as good as told that if they’re not matchsticks they’re barrage balloons?
You wonder why so many women and girls are anorexic or on the way to anorexia when we’re told that a female who is properly woman-shaped is “extra large”, implying the incipient onset of clinical obesity?
Why don’t manufactures just put the actual size on the garment and leave out “small-to-gigantic” labels, with all the attendant hang-ups that they cause?
They’re only generalisations, anyway – one manufacture’s “medium” is another’s “huge”, so they’re no more than very vague descriptions.
I’ve had “medium” t-shirts that were large enough to get a second person in as well, and “large” t-shirts that I had to get on with a shoe-horn.
They don’t actually tell one the real size of the garment unless one knows what the manufacturer consider small, medium or large – they’re comparatives, but we’re not given the comparison to let us work out what ruler the manufacture is measuring with.
Even clothing sizes are relative: the UK, Europe and US all have different size labels for the same physical size.
So why don’t they just put the actual chest size – 34”, 36”, or whatever. Inches are inches, so it won’t matter which country one lives in; if one uses the imperial measuring system, one will know if a garment will fit or not.
Of course, if they put both inches and centimetres on garments, then us Imperialists could gradually get to know our metric sizes too!
But let’s cut this “extra large” bollocks. We don’t need it! any more than we need the “size 0” at the other end of the scale – the one that we’re all supposed to aspire to if we want to be real women! Even if it kills us, and it probably will.
Wednesday 31 March 2010
Amazon's Amazing "Recomendations"
When I was at primary school, I read a book called “Nancy and Plum”; forty years on, I wondered if it might still be available somewhere, and Amazon was as good a place to start looking as any other …
And then I noticed what the list of “recommended titles” offered me because I’d expressed an interest in this book, and then I started noticing more and more weirdies, and so started this list – alphabetical order of title I was interested in, and their recommendations in alphabetical order, not in the order they were suggested.
Nancy and Plum …
… Anybody can do anything
101 ideas for downstairs (home décor) …
… Creative beading
… North and South [novel]
… Perfect English
… A Wealth of Nations - Adam Smith
At last the 1948 show [comedy sketch show] …
… Dustin Hoffman film collection
… Peter Sellers film collection
Attract wildlife to your garden …
… Bread-making
Biggles …
… "Lady S … is a clever, multilingual young woman. In the eyes of her attentive father she appears perfectly happy. But this too-perfect happiness hides many faults, sorrows and mysteries …"
Britain from the Air …
… Trumpton ( a very old TV show for very young children)
Bushisms: George W …
… Princes William and Harry
(so Dubya’s royalty now?)
Cannonball Run …
… Meditation
Carry on - [several] …
… Casanova [BBC series]
… Evil under the sun (Agatha Christie
… Ocean's Eleven - RatPack original
Chronicles of Narnia …
… The Mummy
oh, yes, very Narnia!
the complete "Life" collection [David Attenborough] …
… Agatha Christie's Poirot, complete collection
is "complete" enough of a connection??
Container gardening through the year …
… Broken Skin [novel]
… A scattering [poetry]
… U is for Undertow [novel
… The Westies (Inside New York's Irish Mob)
Darwin Awards …
… Divine Comedy [Dante]
… Eternal Sonata [game strategy]
… Horrid Henry’s underpants
… Little book of wanking
… Inferno – Dante
… Complete Sherlock Holmes
… The King’s buccaneer [novel]
Day the earth caught fire …
… John Mills collection
John Mills isn't in the filrm!
Descent of the child …
… The Transition Handbook: From Oil Dependency to Local Resilience (Transition Guides)
Descent of Women …
… 20 love poems and a cry of despair
… Bury my heart at Wounded Knee (I already have this, but I ain’t telling them that!)
… Crime and punishment [Dostoyevsky]
… Deaf sentence [novel]
… Enchantress of Florence [Salman Rushdie]
… Forest Gump (!!)
… Hadrian’s Wall national path
… History of washing
… The mini-lathe [workshop practices]
… Miss Marple omnibus
… Short history of modern delusions
… Silent spring [ecology]
… Survival of the fittest: Anatomy of peak physical performance
… Sustainable energy
… Toast: story of a boy’s hunger [cookery]
Directory of scented plants …
… How to start your own small business
Drought-resistant gardening …
… I can make you sleep [Paul McKenna] (especially if you try reading the book!!)
Evergreen trees and shrubs …
… Wolf hall [Booker prize novel]
Gilbert & Sullivan karaoke [yeah, I know I'm sad!] …
… Canterbury tales
Harry Potter – Half-Blood Prince …
… Avatar
… Cloudy with a chance of meatballs [?]
… Dorian Gray
… Four Christmases
… The hurt locker ["a supreme, tense and gripping piece of drama…"]
… Michael McIntyre Live (whoever he is!)
… My sister's keeper [Cameron Diaz]
… Sherlock Holmes - Robert Downey Jr
… Take That! live
… The time traveller's wife
Highway code [original version, about 1910!]…
… Apollo 11 manual
… Brooke Bond Tea Card Collections
… Eagle comic annual
… Saints: a year in faith and art
I rather like the leap from the Highway Code to the Apollo 11 manual!
History's Mysteries …
… History of the London Underground
… Steam Trains
Hstorical maybe, but mysterious????
how to be a Gardener …
… Knitting
I was a fireman [ww2 film] …
… Don't look back [Bob Dylan]
… A touch of Zen [1971 kung fu]
Kipling’s collected poems …
… Life of Edward III
… Ordinary person’s guide to empire
Kipling might figure in the 2nd, but 1st???
Noises off! (Michael Caine comedy) …
… The caretaker [Harold Pinter]
… Henry Fonda film collection
… Richard Burton collection
Patios and courtyards …
… Brooklyn [travel]
… Good food guide
Puck of Pook’s Hill [Rudyard Kipling] …
… Schindler’s list
Never read it or seen the film, but believe it’s about WW2 Concentration Camps
Connection between it and fantasy set on the Romney Marshes at the beginning of the 20th Century?????
Ronnie Barker …
… Rocky
(naturally, the very first thing you think of when you watch “Open All Hours” or “Porridge” is that you just have to get a film about boxing!)
Secret life of Walter Mitty …
… Devil girl from Mars
… A tale of two cities
Small gardens …
… 100 delicious juices and smoothies
… Real family food
Strange laws of England …
… Ancient Britain historical maps
… Latin crosswords
… Most amazing places to visit in Britain
… Secret churches
… Sex lives of the Popes (!!!!!)
… Women who changed the world
I like the idea that “strange laws” leads naturally to the sex lives of the popes!
That's entertainment …
… Alexander the Great [Richard Burton]
Connection: Elizabeth Taylor gets a mention??
The tiny garden …
… Great gardens of the world
… Beach cottages: at home by the sea
… Japanese craft: embroidery
Tommy Steele …
… Tommy Trinder
One’s a 50s rock singer and the other’s a 50s comedian, who both just happen to be called Tommy - surprised they didn't recommend the rock opera "Tommy" as well, while they were at it!
Up Pompeii …
… To the devil a daughter
Wildlife gardening …
… The case for god – what religion really means
… Curing arthritis
… How to be idle
… Quilled greetings cards
… Reel life adventures of a film obsessive
… Secret coves and beaches of Britain
… Waiting for Godot [play]
I’m glad they think that wildlife gardening is so easy that “how to be idle” is a natural follow-on!
World’s stupidest criminals …
… 101 things to do before you’re 16
… Boy mechanic [model-making]
… Do you think you’re clever? [Oxford-Cambridge University questions]
… Garfield
… Jamaica – Lonely Planet guide
… Ultimate optical illusions
… Why do men have nipples?
Hmm, do “stupid criminals” and “Jamaica” go naturally together??
World’s stupidest signs …
… When I were a lad … [yesterday’s childhood]
… Wicked wit of Winston Churchill
Yes, Prime Minister …
… Academic volcabulary
… A year in English cricket
… Attlee’s great contemporaries
… Complete John F Kennedy
… Cool cars
… Dr Who
… The forgotten Byzantine Empire
… Godfrey’s ghost [biography]
… Grammar and vocabulary for Cambridge
… Guide to the 2010 General Election
… History of a country house servant
… History of the Ashes [cricket]
… Hornby annual yearbook no 2 [model railways]
… How Parliament works
… How the baby-boomers took their children’s future and why they should give it back
… How the London underground was built
… Talking about detective fiction
… Thatcher’s Britain – social upheaval in the Thatcher era
… Tony Blair bio
… Winning chess tactics
Connection between a comedy satire on government and Doctor Who????
It’s reached the stage that I just click the “not interested” box when they recommend something I already own, cos of what their weird and wonderful cross-links might throw up!
If you notice any equally weird and wonderful "recommendations" on your Amazon account, please do share!
While I’m on Amazon, did you know …
... That old TV series such as “the Persuaders”, “Sapphire and Steel” and “Return of the Saint” are listed under “documentary”?
... And that “The Secret Policeman’s Ball” is listed under “Sport”????…
And then I noticed what the list of “recommended titles” offered me because I’d expressed an interest in this book, and then I started noticing more and more weirdies, and so started this list – alphabetical order of title I was interested in, and their recommendations in alphabetical order, not in the order they were suggested.
Nancy and Plum …
… Anybody can do anything
101 ideas for downstairs (home décor) …
… Creative beading
… North and South [novel]
… Perfect English
… A Wealth of Nations - Adam Smith
At last the 1948 show [comedy sketch show] …
… Dustin Hoffman film collection
… Peter Sellers film collection
Attract wildlife to your garden …
… Bread-making
Biggles …
… "Lady S … is a clever, multilingual young woman. In the eyes of her attentive father she appears perfectly happy. But this too-perfect happiness hides many faults, sorrows and mysteries …"
Britain from the Air …
… Trumpton ( a very old TV show for very young children)
Bushisms: George W …
… Princes William and Harry
(so Dubya’s royalty now?)
Cannonball Run …
… Meditation
Carry on - [several] …
… Casanova [BBC series]
… Evil under the sun (Agatha Christie
… Ocean's Eleven - RatPack original
Chronicles of Narnia …
… The Mummy
oh, yes, very Narnia!
the complete "Life" collection [David Attenborough] …
… Agatha Christie's Poirot, complete collection
is "complete" enough of a connection??
Container gardening through the year …
… Broken Skin [novel]
… A scattering [poetry]
… U is for Undertow [novel
… The Westies (Inside New York's Irish Mob)
Darwin Awards …
… Divine Comedy [Dante]
… Eternal Sonata [game strategy]
… Horrid Henry’s underpants
… Little book of wanking
… Inferno – Dante
… Complete Sherlock Holmes
… The King’s buccaneer [novel]
Day the earth caught fire …
… John Mills collection
John Mills isn't in the filrm!
Descent of the child …
… The Transition Handbook: From Oil Dependency to Local Resilience (Transition Guides)
Descent of Women …
… 20 love poems and a cry of despair
… Bury my heart at Wounded Knee (I already have this, but I ain’t telling them that!)
… Crime and punishment [Dostoyevsky]
… Deaf sentence [novel]
… Enchantress of Florence [Salman Rushdie]
… Forest Gump (!!)
… Hadrian’s Wall national path
… History of washing
… The mini-lathe [workshop practices]
… Miss Marple omnibus
… Short history of modern delusions
… Silent spring [ecology]
… Survival of the fittest: Anatomy of peak physical performance
… Sustainable energy
… Toast: story of a boy’s hunger [cookery]
Directory of scented plants …
… How to start your own small business
Drought-resistant gardening …
… I can make you sleep [Paul McKenna] (especially if you try reading the book!!)
Evergreen trees and shrubs …
… Wolf hall [Booker prize novel]
Gilbert & Sullivan karaoke [yeah, I know I'm sad!] …
… Canterbury tales
Harry Potter – Half-Blood Prince …
… Avatar
… Cloudy with a chance of meatballs [?]
… Dorian Gray
… Four Christmases
… The hurt locker ["a supreme, tense and gripping piece of drama…"]
… Michael McIntyre Live (whoever he is!)
… My sister's keeper [Cameron Diaz]
… Sherlock Holmes - Robert Downey Jr
… Take That! live
… The time traveller's wife
Highway code [original version, about 1910!]…
… Apollo 11 manual
… Brooke Bond Tea Card Collections
… Eagle comic annual
… Saints: a year in faith and art
I rather like the leap from the Highway Code to the Apollo 11 manual!
History's Mysteries …
… History of the London Underground
… Steam Trains
Hstorical maybe, but mysterious????
how to be a Gardener …
… Knitting
I was a fireman [ww2 film] …
… Don't look back [Bob Dylan]
… A touch of Zen [1971 kung fu]
Kipling’s collected poems …
… Life of Edward III
… Ordinary person’s guide to empire
Kipling might figure in the 2nd, but 1st???
Noises off! (Michael Caine comedy) …
… The caretaker [Harold Pinter]
… Henry Fonda film collection
… Richard Burton collection
Patios and courtyards …
… Brooklyn [travel]
… Good food guide
Puck of Pook’s Hill [Rudyard Kipling] …
… Schindler’s list
Never read it or seen the film, but believe it’s about WW2 Concentration Camps
Connection between it and fantasy set on the Romney Marshes at the beginning of the 20th Century?????
Ronnie Barker …
… Rocky
(naturally, the very first thing you think of when you watch “Open All Hours” or “Porridge” is that you just have to get a film about boxing!)
Secret life of Walter Mitty …
… Devil girl from Mars
… A tale of two cities
Small gardens …
… 100 delicious juices and smoothies
… Real family food
Strange laws of England …
… Ancient Britain historical maps
… Latin crosswords
… Most amazing places to visit in Britain
… Secret churches
… Sex lives of the Popes (!!!!!)
… Women who changed the world
I like the idea that “strange laws” leads naturally to the sex lives of the popes!
That's entertainment …
… Alexander the Great [Richard Burton]
Connection: Elizabeth Taylor gets a mention??
The tiny garden …
… Great gardens of the world
… Beach cottages: at home by the sea
… Japanese craft: embroidery
Tommy Steele …
… Tommy Trinder
One’s a 50s rock singer and the other’s a 50s comedian, who both just happen to be called Tommy - surprised they didn't recommend the rock opera "Tommy" as well, while they were at it!
Up Pompeii …
… To the devil a daughter
Wildlife gardening …
… The case for god – what religion really means
… Curing arthritis
… How to be idle
… Quilled greetings cards
… Reel life adventures of a film obsessive
… Secret coves and beaches of Britain
… Waiting for Godot [play]
I’m glad they think that wildlife gardening is so easy that “how to be idle” is a natural follow-on!
World’s stupidest criminals …
… 101 things to do before you’re 16
… Boy mechanic [model-making]
… Do you think you’re clever? [Oxford-Cambridge University questions]
… Garfield
… Jamaica – Lonely Planet guide
… Ultimate optical illusions
… Why do men have nipples?
Hmm, do “stupid criminals” and “Jamaica” go naturally together??
World’s stupidest signs …
… When I were a lad … [yesterday’s childhood]
… Wicked wit of Winston Churchill
Yes, Prime Minister …
… Academic volcabulary
… A year in English cricket
… Attlee’s great contemporaries
… Complete John F Kennedy
… Cool cars
… Dr Who
… The forgotten Byzantine Empire
… Godfrey’s ghost [biography]
… Grammar and vocabulary for Cambridge
… Guide to the 2010 General Election
… History of a country house servant
… History of the Ashes [cricket]
… Hornby annual yearbook no 2 [model railways]
… How Parliament works
… How the baby-boomers took their children’s future and why they should give it back
… How the London underground was built
… Talking about detective fiction
… Thatcher’s Britain – social upheaval in the Thatcher era
… Tony Blair bio
… Winning chess tactics
Connection between a comedy satire on government and Doctor Who????
It’s reached the stage that I just click the “not interested” box when they recommend something I already own, cos of what their weird and wonderful cross-links might throw up!
If you notice any equally weird and wonderful "recommendations" on your Amazon account, please do share!
While I’m on Amazon, did you know …
... That old TV series such as “the Persuaders”, “Sapphire and Steel” and “Return of the Saint” are listed under “documentary”?
... And that “The Secret Policeman’s Ball” is listed under “Sport”????…
Friday 19 February 2010
That’s entertainment?
A tart with her tits hanging out
or a slut who is always in rut
or a chick on a search for a dick
that’s entertainment?
A jill who is exists for the thrill
of a john who is always hard-on
or a joe who is raring to go
that’s entertainment?
A maid who is laid by a man she just met
a bitch with an itch to be screwed by a vet
the perv who deserves everything that she’ll get
and you know that she’ll get it
so hard she won’t forget it
A “girl” who is thrown in a whirl
by the boss when he asks for a toss
and she never fails to come across
that’s entertainment?
The whores who don’t wear any drawers
every man’s got the thing she adores
and you know that she’ll take it from scores
that’s entertainment?
The chick loves to lick at a donkey-sized chunk
of the jock with a cock the size of a tree-trunk
who will then spray her with a gallon of “gunk”
She’s not there to have fun too
she’s just there to be done to
Every woman’s got tits like balloons
at the sight of a penis she swoons
if the heroes are hung like baboons
that’s entertainment?
Woman used like inflatable toys
they’ll do anything to please the boys
that’s the fantasy that porn enjoys
Every woman’s a whore
are you really sure
that’s entertainment?
or a slut who is always in rut
or a chick on a search for a dick
that’s entertainment?
A jill who is exists for the thrill
of a john who is always hard-on
or a joe who is raring to go
that’s entertainment?
A maid who is laid by a man she just met
a bitch with an itch to be screwed by a vet
the perv who deserves everything that she’ll get
and you know that she’ll get it
so hard she won’t forget it
A “girl” who is thrown in a whirl
by the boss when he asks for a toss
and she never fails to come across
that’s entertainment?
The whores who don’t wear any drawers
every man’s got the thing she adores
and you know that she’ll take it from scores
that’s entertainment?
The chick loves to lick at a donkey-sized chunk
of the jock with a cock the size of a tree-trunk
who will then spray her with a gallon of “gunk”
She’s not there to have fun too
she’s just there to be done to
Every woman’s got tits like balloons
at the sight of a penis she swoons
if the heroes are hung like baboons
that’s entertainment?
Woman used like inflatable toys
they’ll do anything to please the boys
that’s the fantasy that porn enjoys
Every woman’s a whore
are you really sure
that’s entertainment?
Friday 5 February 2010
fight nosy websites!
I just had cause to contact a company via its website to ask a question about a product.
I eventually found the “contact us” button, carefully hidden from casual view; it opened a form, not an email, and I filled out my title and name and then typed out my question and clicked on Send.
The message refused to send because I had not given my street name. I put in a variation of my standard response: “why bother” and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not told them which city I lived in. I did another gibberish answer and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not given my postcode. I made up a sequence and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not given my phone number. I put in a random sequence of numbers and Sent again.
This time it deigned to accept the message.
Now WTF do they want with that extra information? I emailed them, I want an email back. Do they need to know which city, and what part of which city, I live in to be able to do that?
I certainly don’t want them phoning me, or, more importantly, selling on my details to phone spammers.
Why do they think they need to know all this before they’re able to email me back?
Why do they think they have the right to demand that I give them this information before I’m allowed to send them a sodding email in the expectation [hope, really] of getting a sodding email back?
I never give more than the absolute minimum of data on principle (do I have to give my phone number if I want to buy a packet of crisps at a local shop? Do I have to prove where I live to ask someone in the street for directions?).
And also because I don’t see that it’s any of their damn business. If we do a deal and I buy a product from them, then they’ll need my address. If they send me a brochure through the post, then they’ll need my address. In neither case will they need my phone number.
The only data that they actually need are my name and email address. But they do these forms which demand hat you give them everything except your credit card details!
Rebel! Send rubbish answers to impertinent or gratuitously irrelevant and intrusive demands for personal information. I'll probably be on their records as living in “why bother” street in “myob” city with a postcode of N1 0NE and a phone number of 01234567889.
Don’t give the sods any more information than they actually need to be able to deal with your query.
Wonder if there’s a law against demanding unnecessary details in forms such as this? If there ain’t, there should be.
I eventually found the “contact us” button, carefully hidden from casual view; it opened a form, not an email, and I filled out my title and name and then typed out my question and clicked on Send.
The message refused to send because I had not given my street name. I put in a variation of my standard response: “why bother” and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not told them which city I lived in. I did another gibberish answer and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not given my postcode. I made up a sequence and Sent again.
It refused to send because I had not given my phone number. I put in a random sequence of numbers and Sent again.
This time it deigned to accept the message.
Now WTF do they want with that extra information? I emailed them, I want an email back. Do they need to know which city, and what part of which city, I live in to be able to do that?
I certainly don’t want them phoning me, or, more importantly, selling on my details to phone spammers.
Why do they think they need to know all this before they’re able to email me back?
Why do they think they have the right to demand that I give them this information before I’m allowed to send them a sodding email in the expectation [hope, really] of getting a sodding email back?
I never give more than the absolute minimum of data on principle (do I have to give my phone number if I want to buy a packet of crisps at a local shop? Do I have to prove where I live to ask someone in the street for directions?).
And also because I don’t see that it’s any of their damn business. If we do a deal and I buy a product from them, then they’ll need my address. If they send me a brochure through the post, then they’ll need my address. In neither case will they need my phone number.
The only data that they actually need are my name and email address. But they do these forms which demand hat you give them everything except your credit card details!
Rebel! Send rubbish answers to impertinent or gratuitously irrelevant and intrusive demands for personal information. I'll probably be on their records as living in “why bother” street in “myob” city with a postcode of N1 0NE and a phone number of 01234567889.
Don’t give the sods any more information than they actually need to be able to deal with your query.
Wonder if there’s a law against demanding unnecessary details in forms such as this? If there ain’t, there should be.
Wednesday 3 February 2010
Rasberries to Hollywood
Whenever you see a disabled person in a film, you just know two things:
1 – That the disability is going to feature in the story as a plot device, something to move the story along.
Even when a film shows more positive images of disability (for example, Four Weddings and a Funeral) the disability is still used as a plot device; would the wedding scene have been so dramatic if the deaf brother hadn’t had to use sign language?
There might be a token disabled person in a group, just as there are token gays, and as there used to be (?) token women and token blacks: they’re there to show that the film-makers haven’t forgotten the non-white, non-male, non-“normal” members of society.
Disabled people are never shown in films as real people with real feelings, real thoughts, real day-to-day problems, real experiences – who just happen to have a disability.
The disability is always there for a reason – it’s the disability that matters, not the person who has it. You’re not supposed to see the person, just the disability.
2 – That the disabled person will be played by a non-disabled actor.
Disabled people are still not allowed to be real people, as defined by Hollywood.
There’s a John Lennon song: “Women is the nigger of the world” [apologies for the use of that word, but it is the title of the song]. Maybe women have progressed, but the disabled haven’t been allowed to.
In the very early days of theatre, women were not allowed on stage; female parts were played by men because women weren’t real human beings.
In the early days of Hollywood, white men blacked up to play the “comic darkie” because real black people weren’t really human beings, either.
And disabled people are still non-persons. They’re still not allowed in films; they still have to be played by non-disabled actors.
Would a serious film dare to have Joan of Arc or Elizabeth I played by a man in drag?
Would a white man get away with blacking-up to play Desmond Tutu or Nelson Mandela?
Ah, but women and black people are allowed to be real people nowadays – more or less. The disabled aren’t even allowed the “less” – we still have to be portrayed by non-disabled actors.
I would include the link for the Google search page for “Raspberry Ripple Awards” but it's much too long and isn't clickable anyway: try searching for "Raspberry Ripple Awards" yourself if you're interested.
1 – That the disability is going to feature in the story as a plot device, something to move the story along.
Even when a film shows more positive images of disability (for example, Four Weddings and a Funeral) the disability is still used as a plot device; would the wedding scene have been so dramatic if the deaf brother hadn’t had to use sign language?
There might be a token disabled person in a group, just as there are token gays, and as there used to be (?) token women and token blacks: they’re there to show that the film-makers haven’t forgotten the non-white, non-male, non-“normal” members of society.
Disabled people are never shown in films as real people with real feelings, real thoughts, real day-to-day problems, real experiences – who just happen to have a disability.
The disability is always there for a reason – it’s the disability that matters, not the person who has it. You’re not supposed to see the person, just the disability.
2 – That the disabled person will be played by a non-disabled actor.
Disabled people are still not allowed to be real people, as defined by Hollywood.
There’s a John Lennon song: “Women is the nigger of the world” [apologies for the use of that word, but it is the title of the song]. Maybe women have progressed, but the disabled haven’t been allowed to.
In the very early days of theatre, women were not allowed on stage; female parts were played by men because women weren’t real human beings.
In the early days of Hollywood, white men blacked up to play the “comic darkie” because real black people weren’t really human beings, either.
And disabled people are still non-persons. They’re still not allowed in films; they still have to be played by non-disabled actors.
Would a serious film dare to have Joan of Arc or Elizabeth I played by a man in drag?
Would a white man get away with blacking-up to play Desmond Tutu or Nelson Mandela?
Ah, but women and black people are allowed to be real people nowadays – more or less. The disabled aren’t even allowed the “less” – we still have to be portrayed by non-disabled actors.
I would include the link for the Google search page for “Raspberry Ripple Awards” but it's much too long and isn't clickable anyway: try searching for "Raspberry Ripple Awards" yourself if you're interested.
Sunday 10 January 2010
It’s just a phaser we’re going through
The main weapons in Star Trek are phaser beams – as I understand it, they’re beams of light which are “in phase”, thereby packing a hell of a destructive punch (I imagine a kind of super-laser).
Now, when the good ship Enterprise fires at an enemy ship and misses (which seems to happen more often than not), the beams just keep going on past the target. And on, and on, and on …
And they’ll keep going on until they eventually do hit something. That might not happen for a couple of centuries, and in another part of the galaxy entirely.
That doesn’t seem to worry them at all, though it would worry me that a missed shot today could, in a hundred or a thousand years’ time, hit a ship or a planet belonging to a culture that didn’t even exist at the time that I fired the shot, and that a future war could come from that – the culture would probably blame its neighbours rather than someone from ancient times half a galaxy away.
I mean, you could put a “stop” on a photon torpedo – if it don’t hit anything within a set time, it deactivates or (since the mass of the torpedo itself, travelling at speed, would be enough to severely damage anything it collided with) self-destructs into sufficiently tiny safe fragments.
But how do you set a self-destruct on a beam of light?
Flushed with irritation
I’m pretty easy-going, but I do have one absolute house-rule: in fact I feel so strongly about it that I have a sign on my bathroom wall: “Please close the toilet lid before you flush”.
It may seem petty or overly fussy for me to ask people to do this, and especially to go to the lengths of actually typing out and printing a notice, then sticking it to the wall above the tank, but consider this ….
When water splashes down into water, other water is thrown up in reaction. Everyone must have experienced this for themselves, or at least seen this effect in those amazing pictures where water is captured falling into water, and throwing up a beautiful crown of water in response. (Found one such and added it: it's not what I was actually looking for, but it's what I actually found.)
This reaction also applies to toilets. When you flush the toilet, water falls into water, and tiny droplets of water are thrown up from the bowl and get into the air – which you then breathe in.
This also applies to anything that you’ve just put into the toilet.
And, in my house, it’s not just you that would breathe in these tiny airborne droplets of your urine, fæces or vomit! If you really want to inhale microscopic fragments of your own bodily wastes, do it in your own home, not mine.
And it’s not just an inhalation hazard. Eventually the droplets would settle out of the air – onto everything within range.
I read somewhere that one’s toothbrush should be stored at least six feet away from the toilet. This seems to indicate that six feet is the radius of the “fallout zone”. Which means that not only my toothbrush should be six feet away from the toilet: also my face flannel, body scrubs, towels …
Just think of it: you could be brushing your teeth, or washing and drying your face or body with something that holds microscopic fragments of your own piss – or even worse, someone else’s!
Tuesday 5 January 2010
The moving pendulum
“The moving pendulum swings, and having swung, swings back”
I can’t remember when this idea or concept first occurred to me, but it’s been unconsciously building and developing, until I think I can now express it (fairly!) coherently.
The “moving pendulum” seems to be a natural consequence of Newton’s “equal and opposite reaction” – and it applies to other than pendula, too.
It also applies to people, on national, cultural, social, group and individual levels.
A repressive culture holds the pendulum unnaturally far to one side; the longer and higher it’s held back, the more extreme the release reaction will be. when that pressure is eventually (and usually suddenly) released. (I can remember watching the Berlin Wall come down, and hoping that the newly-united Germany wouldn’t let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction – so I was sort of thinking about this at least twenty years ago!)
A culture of repression suddenly fails, and the pendulum, having been held back so far and for so long, swings to the opposite extreme: this provokes a reactionary backlash, which provokes a counter-backlash, and so on, and on, and on …
Each time the pendulum swings, it will move almost as far in the opposite direction, and almost as far as that back again – and the higher and the longer the pendulum is held to one side, the more violent the reaction will be when it’s finally released.
Note “almost as far”. As the pendulum continues to swing, the wild oscillations will gradually lose momentum and settle down into a regular rhythm. If given the chance!
The counter-reaction will want to hold the pendulum back: maybe not quite as high as it was before, but in the same general area of its previous locked-down position.
And the people who enjoy the free-swinging will oppose that and, in the joy of being able to move at last, will move too far the other way.
And so we proceed by a series of wild oscillations: first too far in one direction, then too far in the other.
The pendulum isn’t given the time to settle down to a regular rhythm; it keeps getting bumped and jolted.
Swinging 60s from post-war austerity …
Edwardian extravagance from Victorian prudery …
Convent girls becoming sex kittens …
Poor people winning the lottery and becoming spend-a-holics ….
Laddish yobbism from the backlash to New Men which waas itself a backlash from Macho Men …
And laddette yobbism, too …
Russians harking back wistfully to the Communist regime, because the system collapsed rather than slowly dissolving, and capitalism came as one hell of a culture shock to most of them …
People can’t really handle too much change too quickly; we want stability, even if it’s a stability of repression: we might not have liked it, but at least we knew where we were then.
As I’ve said elsewhere, I have no formal science education (we did a year of basic science at my grammar school, then a year of separate biology, chemistry and physics, but girls weren’t exactly encouraged to pursue these classes after that – we were girls, what did we need to know about science other than the “domestic” variety? [This has to be a topic for a future rant!])
I can’t remember when this idea or concept first occurred to me, but it’s been unconsciously building and developing, until I think I can now express it (fairly!) coherently.
The “moving pendulum” seems to be a natural consequence of Newton’s “equal and opposite reaction” – and it applies to other than pendula, too.
It also applies to people, on national, cultural, social, group and individual levels.
A repressive culture holds the pendulum unnaturally far to one side; the longer and higher it’s held back, the more extreme the release reaction will be. when that pressure is eventually (and usually suddenly) released. (I can remember watching the Berlin Wall come down, and hoping that the newly-united Germany wouldn’t let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction – so I was sort of thinking about this at least twenty years ago!)
A culture of repression suddenly fails, and the pendulum, having been held back so far and for so long, swings to the opposite extreme: this provokes a reactionary backlash, which provokes a counter-backlash, and so on, and on, and on …
Each time the pendulum swings, it will move almost as far in the opposite direction, and almost as far as that back again – and the higher and the longer the pendulum is held to one side, the more violent the reaction will be when it’s finally released.
Note “almost as far”. As the pendulum continues to swing, the wild oscillations will gradually lose momentum and settle down into a regular rhythm. If given the chance!
The counter-reaction will want to hold the pendulum back: maybe not quite as high as it was before, but in the same general area of its previous locked-down position.
And the people who enjoy the free-swinging will oppose that and, in the joy of being able to move at last, will move too far the other way.
And so we proceed by a series of wild oscillations: first too far in one direction, then too far in the other.
The pendulum isn’t given the time to settle down to a regular rhythm; it keeps getting bumped and jolted.
Swinging 60s from post-war austerity …
Edwardian extravagance from Victorian prudery …
Convent girls becoming sex kittens …
Poor people winning the lottery and becoming spend-a-holics ….
Laddish yobbism from the backlash to New Men which waas itself a backlash from Macho Men …
And laddette yobbism, too …
Russians harking back wistfully to the Communist regime, because the system collapsed rather than slowly dissolving, and capitalism came as one hell of a culture shock to most of them …
People can’t really handle too much change too quickly; we want stability, even if it’s a stability of repression: we might not have liked it, but at least we knew where we were then.
As I’ve said elsewhere, I have no formal science education (we did a year of basic science at my grammar school, then a year of separate biology, chemistry and physics, but girls weren’t exactly encouraged to pursue these classes after that – we were girls, what did we need to know about science other than the “domestic” variety? [This has to be a topic for a future rant!])
Friday 1 January 2010
Wilful misuse of words
I’m fed up with hearing that something or someone is “almost unique”.
“Unique” does not mean “very special” or “very unusual”.
It means “one of a kind, with nothing else exactly like it anywhere in the world”.
The word is not a qualifier, it is an absolute. There are no grades or shades of uniqueness: a person or a thing is unique, or it is not.
And I’m equally fed up with hearing something described as the “ultimate” book, music CD, or hair preparation.
“Ultimate” does not mean “latest” or “best”.
It means “last, final, utmost” – “the ultimate deterrent”,
“our ultimate destiny” – though people don’t usually say, “The ultimate bus stop on the route”!
Mind you, I wouldn’t mind an “ultimate diet book” if it really WAS going to be the last diet book ever!
******
Note: I’m rather freely defining the words whose common usage I’m having a go at, cos my dictionaries are packed for a house move!
You can go into Google [other search options are available!] and type “define: unique” [without the quotes] if you don’t own a dictionary yourself or can’t be bothered to find it and look up the words – though most of the “define: ultimate” hits seem to confirm the common misuse of the word.
“Unique” does not mean “very special” or “very unusual”.
It means “one of a kind, with nothing else exactly like it anywhere in the world”.
The word is not a qualifier, it is an absolute. There are no grades or shades of uniqueness: a person or a thing is unique, or it is not.
And I’m equally fed up with hearing something described as the “ultimate” book, music CD, or hair preparation.
“Ultimate” does not mean “latest” or “best”.
It means “last, final, utmost” – “the ultimate deterrent”,
“our ultimate destiny” – though people don’t usually say, “The ultimate bus stop on the route”!
Mind you, I wouldn’t mind an “ultimate diet book” if it really WAS going to be the last diet book ever!
******
Note: I’m rather freely defining the words whose common usage I’m having a go at, cos my dictionaries are packed for a house move!
You can go into Google [other search options are available!] and type “define: unique” [without the quotes] if you don’t own a dictionary yourself or can’t be bothered to find it and look up the words – though most of the “define: ultimate” hits seem to confirm the common misuse of the word.
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