Songs that helped to save my life

I’ve suffered from depression for years. Some times are worse than others: at my very lowest I have seriously considered climbing out of the window of my 7th-floor flat.

Thankfully I’ve never (yet) gone that bare millimetre lower that would turn thought into action – there’s always been a tiny spark (so far) that tells me that that’s not the answer.

I’ve bought so many self-help books to try to get myself sorted, and they all basically say the same thing – you have to love yourself.

But, I thought, how can you love yourself when you don’t even like yourself very much?

Okay, I thought, let’s scale it down. Rather than try to climb Everest in one leap, let’s break it down into a more manageable series of smaller steps. Let’s start with making friends with myself and work upwards from there.

Then I suddenly thought of the Queen song “You’re my best friend”. That sounds a good start, I thought; after all, I should be my own best friend.

So every day, when I stood in front of the bathroom mirror brushing my hair or cleaning my teeth, I looked myself in the eyes and ran that song through my mind (it might have been better if I’d been able to play the actual song, but I know it enough to be able to “replay” most of it).

And it started to work. I started to feel better about myself. I started to look at myself more kindly – psychologically as well as physically.

Then I thought of the Monkees song “Take a giant step outside your mind” and found that to be helpful, too. That was linked to another Monkees song “That was then, this is now”; the song itself isn’t really relevant, but the title is – and that was all I needed to reinforce the message of “Take a giant step”.

But the one that really rang the bell …

Years ago there was a Gene Kelly film on TV that I videoed – “It’s always fair weather”. The film as a whole was a bit naff, but I kept the vid because there’s an amazing sequence where he tap-dances on roller-skates, and I played that bit so much I almost wore the tape out. It was only much later that I started to pay attention to the song that went with the dance:.

Can it be I like myself?
She likes me so I like myself
If someone wonderful as she is
Can think I’m wonderful
I must be quite a guy
Feeling so unlike myself
Always used to dislike myself
But now my love has got me riding high
She likes me – so so do I

Those words really struck home:

If people like me, there must be something likeable about me? If people want to be with me, then I can’t be such a nebbish? If people want to be my friends, then I must have some qualities that they think worthy of being associated with?

I used that song a lot. I let it play in my mind, over and over and over. And while you can’t get away with singing in the street it’s got a very whistle-able tune.

And the more I did it, the deeper and stronger and more powerful it became. More than once, walking down the road with that song in my mind or that tune on my lips, I had to suddenly check myself as my foot almost touched the pavement because I knew that that foot would have gone down in a tappy-tap – and if I’d taken that step, what would the next one have been? I wasn’t quite confident enough to start trying to tap-dance in the street!

Queen helped a lot, and the Monkees added a bit to the foundations, but this is the song that did most to save my life.

That was years ago, and after a while, sadly, I forgot to keep these songs in mind and I slipped back to my former level of depression.

But yesterday, for no reason that I can remember, “I like myself” came back into my mind; I started to whistle it and immediately started feeling better. So now I need to remember to practice remembering the song – and who knows? one day I might not mind that I feel like tippy-tapping in the street!

I looked up the names of the songwriters (Betty Comden and Adolph Green); I did think of sending them a thank-you – them, or their families if it were too late to thank them personally. I never did, or at least I haven’t so far; I suppose I could contact the film studio and ask them to pass on a message, but they might just think that I was a nutter.

Anyway, it worked then – and I know that it will work just as well now that I’ve remembered to try again. It might not work for anyone else, but who knows? It might.

You might already own some of these songs, but if not they’re all on YouTube (I’ve not included “That was then” since I only used the title! but it’s there too):

Queen: You’re my best friend –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI (this video has the lyrics as well)
Monkees: Take a giant step
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUDqYHNaesk
Gene Kelly: I like myself
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aus1PA5-SyI